Crap mood

I woke up in a crap mood this morning and it only got worse. I decided last night I have to start taking the Lovenox shots again because in the off chance that I do get pregnant and have not taken the Lovenox, I could lose it again…so I have to. P.S. I still have a bruise on my poor belly from the last shot I did over a MONTH ago.

I’ll be 41 next week which means I’ve lost another 10 percentage points on the ability to conceive graph. To make matters worse, the mail this morning gifted me an AARP membership card. I know I’m a few years away from 50, but it was still a shocker to see it. They shouldn’t do that to people.

I got to donate $20 to the receptionist’s baby shower which will be held on Tuesday. I usually avoid talking to her, but today I asked if she had gotten a flu shot. After a 10 minute conversation about baby size, movement, trimesters and due dates, she proclaimed that she was ready to be done with the pregnancy. Poor pregnant girl with my $20 and a party next week.

By the way, this morning before I left for work I noticed that the cat had pooped on the couch…and I just left it there.


More drugs

Had the second IUI on Sunday morning. This one did not hurt as much for some reason, much to my delight. But the doctor said I need to take the progesterone…so I get to add that into the daily drug mix. Now we wait….

Also drove out to Malibu Sunday afternoon for my follow up lyme appointment with Dr. Harris. It’s been two months since I saw anyone and I’ve been having some crazy stomach problems, just an ever-expanding belly. Nothing fits me.

Dr. Harris said I’m not meeting expectations, meaning I’m not getting better which I should be after three months. He also had some thoughts about why my legs were bothering me so much, said it might be a coinfection (even though I tested negative for all of those earlier). He said negatives are not as reliable as positives and my symptoms point to a coinfection. That could also explain why my legs are getting worse, not better, with treatment. He said that because I might be pregnant and the coinfection antibiotic is a Class C drug (not safe for pregnancy), we will have to wait until I am not pregnant to start treatment. In the meantime, I have to up my dose of Magnesium…more pills, yay.

He also told me to add a few things to my daily drug regimen to help with the stomach: Saccharomyces, acidophilus and something else I can’t remember the name of that I have to order. I’m also taking Diflucan for 3 days starting yesterday. I go to the herb guy, Majid, tomorrow. He has worked with lyme patients before and I think he’ll be able to help me with what food I should and should not be eating. For the time being, I’ve been ordered off of potatoes, rice, pasta, sugar, bread, all the things I love the most. I’m eating a lot of salad (no croutons). No more Starbucks cafe mocha, no more sandwiches, no more of my favorite Thai food, no more french fries.

Did the crew thing for the Avon Walk on Saturday and I’m paying for it today…my legs and hip are REALLY sore. Every time I have to get out of my chair I groan like an old man.

Did I mention that Receptionist is having a girl? The whole mail area is decorated with “It’s a Girl!” signs and pictures of ultrasounds. They’re starting to paint the nursery tomorrow. And when I hear all of this I’m so jealous and it makes me feel really bad 🙁

But what makes me feel worse is that not only are my lyme symptoms still bad, but the medicine to make me feel better is causing a whole host of additional problems on top of everything else. In essence, I feel worse after being treated for three months and now I can’t eat anything I like.


Waiting and IUI

So I’m in the middle of the infamous TWW, or Two Week Waiting period, which is the time between ovulation and finding out whether or not I’m pregnant. I can get a blood test on Wednesday. My breasts have been sore for about a week now which historically was an indication of pregnancy, but one time out of three it was just related to my period so I’m not counting on this symptom. But I’m also dreaming up a storm. The dreaming and the breast soreness usually doesn’t happen until the week before my period and this time it started almost 2 weeks before. I could go on and on with all the reasons why I’m hoping I’m pregnant but really it doesn’t mean anything, as I’ve learned. I just have to wait and see.

It was almost two years ago that Dr. Stein told us that if we want to have a baby, we must start immediately if not sooner. After all of the miscarriages, Dr. Beer testing and treatment and lyme testing and treatment, it’s now almost two years later which, in someone my age, can make the difference between getting pregnant and no longer being able to get pregnant. Long story short = there’s just no more time to waste. Therefore, we’ve decided that if I’m not pregnant this cycle, we’re moving on to IUI, or Intra-Uterine Insemination. The doctor will monitor my cycle and right when I ovulate, will inject my husband’s sperm directly into my uterus. I talked to Dr. Chung’s office at USC Fertility and it will cost somewhere between $1k and $2k depending on how much monitoring I need. At least the office is very close to work.

The receptionist at my new job has just started telling people she’s 13 weeks pregnant. The ultrasound pics are up on the wall, and every time I go to get the mail (about three times a day) I get to hear about her OB appointments and her complaints about how she can’t eat anything because she gets sick. I’d like to say “I don’t want to hear about your good luck and outstanding abilities to procreate, please stop talking” but instead what comes out of my mouth is “that’s so exciting! Congratulations!” which is a good thing.

I also like to torture myself with the TLC show Deliver Me, which I love. But today I watched one where the woman was complaining about how she doesn’t like being pregnant. I want to reach through the television and punch her in the face.

My Mom gave me all of our family photos along with her diaries starting from before I was born. She was depressed a lot of the time, extremely self-centered and not a very attentive or kind mother. She left my brother and I with a nanny while she worked and went out most nights to the bar with my Dad. There is a diary entry when I was four that reads “[me] will be home all week. I guess it will be ok.” She also mentions how she had to spank either my brother or me to sleep to get us to take a nap when we were about 18 months. How do you spank a child to sleep? It’s amazing to have all these diaries but at the same time it makes me very sad to think that my Mom was such an unhappy person and to learn that she really didn’t like me very much. It took me until I was 39 (after two years of therapy) to believe that I won’t be like her when I’m a mom. I just hope I didn’t wait too long because I think I’ll be a great mama and that my husband will be such a great daddy. But it’s hard not to believe that the universe is trying to tell me something after everything that we’ve been through. And it’s hard to have hope and faith when at the same time I need to know for my own sanity that I won’t die if I don’t ever get pregnant.


My best friend’s baby


I’ve been friends with her since I was nine years old. She never really wanted to have kids, but when her other friend had a baby, and she found out I was trying to have a baby, she decided she didn’t want to be left out. She and her husband tried for two months and then changed their mind…too late, she was pregnant. She just had her baby boy. Here’s a picture. He’s really really really cute.