I got an email this morning from my cell phone carrier. It read, “your monthly bill is ready.”
I left a message yesterday at 2pm, and again at 3:30pm. By 4:15 I couldn’t wait any longer and spoke to the receptionist who was having none of it. Then I told her that I just wanted to know whether I would get a call that day so I could go on with my life. She put me on hold, then came back and said that the results are on the doctor’s desk but the doctor is gone for the day. I asked if someone else could possibly read the results to me. She said the doctor has to “sign off” on them first so I wouldn’t know until tomorrow.
THAT is f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.n.g.
They open at 9am.
Negative. Stupid boobs.
I took a blood test at Dr. Park’s office yesterday…I just couldn’t wait any longer. The nurse said I’d find out the results “tomorrow or the next day.” Don’t they know I can’t think of anything else until I get the results? “The next day” just will not do. So I pulled out the old stand-by, “well….I have to take daily injections of Lovenox and if I’m not pregnant then I stop the Lovenox, so the sooner I find out the better.” That seemed to work. I’ll call today after lunch to harass them. Of course, I dreamed about it last night–trying to get the results at the doctor’s office, which turned into a vet clinic…and there was wedding cake. I think Jeff Lewis from “Flipping Out” was there.
So I’m in the middle of the infamous TWW, or Two Week Waiting period, which is the time between ovulation and finding out whether or not I’m pregnant. I can get a blood test on Wednesday. My breasts have been sore for about a week now which historically was an indication of pregnancy, but one time out of three it was just related to my period so I’m not counting on this symptom. But I’m also dreaming up a storm. The dreaming and the breast soreness usually doesn’t happen until the week before my period and this time it started almost 2 weeks before. I could go on and on with all the reasons why I’m hoping I’m pregnant but really it doesn’t mean anything, as I’ve learned. I just have to wait and see.
It was almost two years ago that Dr. Stein told us that if we want to have a baby, we must start immediately if not sooner. After all of the miscarriages, Dr. Beer testing and treatment and lyme testing and treatment, it’s now almost two years later which, in someone my age, can make the difference between getting pregnant and no longer being able to get pregnant. Long story short = there’s just no more time to waste. Therefore, we’ve decided that if I’m not pregnant this cycle, we’re moving on to IUI, or Intra-Uterine Insemination. The doctor will monitor my cycle and right when I ovulate, will inject my husband’s sperm directly into my uterus. I talked to Dr. Chung’s office at USC Fertility and it will cost somewhere between $1k and $2k depending on how much monitoring I need. At least the office is very close to work.
The receptionist at my new job has just started telling people she’s 13 weeks pregnant. The ultrasound pics are up on the wall, and every time I go to get the mail (about three times a day) I get to hear about her OB appointments and her complaints about how she can’t eat anything because she gets sick. I’d like to say “I don’t want to hear about your good luck and outstanding abilities to procreate, please stop talking” but instead what comes out of my mouth is “that’s so exciting! Congratulations!” which is a good thing.
I also like to torture myself with the TLC show Deliver Me, which I love. But today I watched one where the woman was complaining about how she doesn’t like being pregnant. I want to reach through the television and punch her in the face.
My Mom gave me all of our family photos along with her diaries starting from before I was born. She was depressed a lot of the time, extremely self-centered and not a very attentive or kind mother. She left my brother and I with a nanny while she worked and went out most nights to the bar with my Dad. There is a diary entry when I was four that reads “[me] will be home all week. I guess it will be ok.” She also mentions how she had to spank either my brother or me to sleep to get us to take a nap when we were about 18 months. How do you spank a child to sleep? It’s amazing to have all these diaries but at the same time it makes me very sad to think that my Mom was such an unhappy person and to learn that she really didn’t like me very much. It took me until I was 39 (after two years of therapy) to believe that I won’t be like her when I’m a mom. I just hope I didn’t wait too long because I think I’ll be a great mama and that my husband will be such a great daddy. But it’s hard not to believe that the universe is trying to tell me something after everything that we’ve been through. And it’s hard to have hope and faith when at the same time I need to know for my own sanity that I won’t die if I don’t ever get pregnant.
I went back through my posts and filled in all of the doctors’ names (instead of just using initials). I figured that if anyone possibly has the same questions and plans to see the same doctors, they can read here what their opinions are of all of the Dr. Beer protocol…perhaps save some money, time and agony. I hope it helps someone.
The good news is…I think my hair has stopped falling out since I switched to the brand name synthroid (instead of the generic).
The bad news is…after this first time back in the saddle, I’m not pregnant 🙁 Also, Blue Shield will only cover one month’s supply of Lovenox every three months. Which means I have to buy Lovenox at full price for two months. Which means about $400 per month. Also, my lyme doctor’s office took three weeks to get back to me about making a follow up appointment. They are only in Malibu one weekend a month, otherwise they are up North in Redwood City. I was supposed to have an appointment in August, but those are all full now. My appointment can’t be until September, and the weekend conflicts with the Avon Breast Cancer Walk which I have volunteered to crew. So do I leave the Walk early to go to my 4pm Sunday appointment? Or do I take two days off of work to drive all the way up to Redwood City? Or do I skip the appointment and see them in October, risking that they’ll refuse to refill my antibiotics unless I see them earlier? All crap choices.